Face the Day

1.

2010-01-11T20:55:00.001-08:00

So I was going to start a wordpress but decided it's to much work and to little readers. (everyone needs a little attention, right)

So here is the NEW.

Today, was the first day of real life. Life, as real as it's going to get for the time being at least.

As of late, my life has been on shuffle.

Today, I chose a song, pressed the Genius button and put it on repeat.

I'm a transfer student from the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville to the University of Arkansas at Little Rock. This sounds disastrous and it is.

The transition from freedom back into the strong hold of my parental figures has not and will not be easy. After all, this house has never been my home. I have no home.

Of course, I didn't make it this way. Who in their right mind would ask to constantly be on the run from their parents? They did it. They chose to divorce each other. And I'm not throwing a pity party. Im not bitter anymore. I could careless. But deep down inside we all long for a place to BE. I place of stability filled with love. I place to speak freely, love openly, and breathe easily. I've never really caught my breath.

This is okay with me...for the time being. I'll continue living my life. Constantly moving from place to place. People watching, being with people, loving people. Anywhere but here. At the end of the day, I will retire into my bed and dream of the day I am home. I can't wait till that day.

Moving on.

My constant desire to please people continues to fill my unhappy void. If the people around me are happy; I am happy.

Which is reason number two that I refuse to be around my parents for more than 5 hours, they are just unhappy people, I've never been able to please them.

Often, this habit rips me apart. One cannot expect to please everyone - but I do. If my goal is unreachable, I panic. With this panic and anxiety comes a neglect. I neglect myself.

How is it that I can take care of everyone else, but cannot take care of myself?

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me return to the purpose of my blog: To give a completely honest review of the life of yours truly. Honesty is my policy. Without honesty their is no truth. Without truth I find no reason to live. I find no reason to continue my search for "home". So let us live on and continue gasping for breath. "Love all, serve all, and create no sorrow".

Veritas Vincit,

2009-12-08T00:09:00.001-08:00

Oh to be in Your presence again.
To be honest.
To be free.
To feel again.
Please deliver me.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil.

My Prayer.

2009-04-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing, I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long." -A.W. Tozer

I want to want God. I pray to love Him more than my own life. More than the lives I love so dearly.

More than ever, I long to long God in an over obsessed way. I long to see His eyes.

As a daughter running into her Fathers arms.

As a bride running to her groom.

So will I run to my God.

Sonnet Number Three

2009-04-05T18:43:00.001-07:00

Your beloved eyes are undercover

The hopes of mine heart are soon forgotten

Memory is with my secret lover

As if my love was but a misbegott’n

Come here, come here in the secret places

Come close and let no other win they heart

You’re the beauty, uncompar’d to oth’r faces

I pray, my love, that we should’st never part

You, my love, are liken’d unto Romeo

My lost lover who nev’r did’st know thy love

Thy heart twas missed by cupids brok’n arrow

My heart’s loss twas predestined from above

My sequestered lone heart twill soon extol

Thy un-relinquished heart hath lost mine soul.

By:Mallory Jacks

plain and simple.

2009-02-20T21:57:00.001-08:00

im a control freak.
in way that absolutely horrifies me.

this is me.
http://www.ec-online.net/knowledge/Articles/control.html
this is more apart of me than the things i love.

i hate this article!
yes, this is me. that is apart of me.
just hate how it addresses "dealing" with the control freak.
as if its an incurable disease. well, it's not.
im going to over come this.
i hate how at the end of the article they
tell the "dealer", to walk out on the "control freak".

on the other hand, the article did help me out.
it pinpointed why i am.

regardless, my God created me.
my God is a great God.

Jeremiah 29:11 has never been as relevant to me as it is now.
this is an IT verse to me. you know what i mean, everyone uses it, quotes it off the top of their tongue, applies it to their lives.
i'll admit, ive done it too.
but now, instead of it being a verse of my future, a verse telling me how great i am going to become, it has become a verse of hope and freedom.
My God knows the plans He has for me.
Why must I try to control them?

my prayer -
Lead my in your ways.
Calm my anxious heart.
Let me breathe.
Step back.
Let you in.

-mk

history.

2009-01-24T13:03:00.000-08:00

its a new year!
and this one promises to be the "newest" one yet.

from graduation in may, which brings on a whole new way of living completely (and a whole new list of challenges).
to the beginning of a new soccer season!
to the beginning of our new President's term.

i am so exciting to be going to college next year. but i cannot tell you how nervous i am too!
every once in a while i get in these moods where i have no desire to leave my comfortable bed and my comfortable life. after 17 years, i have finally settled in here. and just as i got comfortable, its time to move on.

i cannot wait to be comfortable again. comfortable and safe. and in my place.

last week, i got the opportunity to go to the inauguration of our 44th President.
it was a crazy week, but well worth the endless lines and hours of waiting.
i got to see some of my favorite people again!
and i witnessed history.
i enjoyed it so much but was sad to see the way Americans treat fellow Americans during a time where we are supposed to "join as one".
as the current President-George W. Bush walked out of the Capital, a majority of the people I was standing around began to "boo" and "yell". Im not going to point out all of the wrong those people did. I was just ashamed. I am a 17 year old girl, and at the moment, I felt that maybe I was more qualified to vote for the President of the United States than the ignorant (excuse my name calling) people who "booed" a man who has led our country through some of the hardest and darkest times we have faced. We are all Americans. Even the men who you think may have let you down as a President, Vice-President, governor, teacher, preacher, father, mother, and friend.
Other than that, I cannot complain. Well, except the rude people at the inauguration who thought they were the only people there. Ha.

I hope everyone holds January 20th, 2009, as a day of utmost importance and will remember how great a day it was for not only our country, as a whole, but for the world.

con amore,
mk

thoughts processing.

2008-12-26T23:58:00.000-08:00

i wonder...

i wonder if i could be more approachable.
if only i could fling "i love yous" and "your amazing(s)" to everyone who passed.

i could rule the world with my words.

but i know you.

you would see through it. i would see through it.

and perhaps i would be even more miserable than i am today.
perhaps one day i could have the world on a string.
just like you.

maybe im a little to transparent.
yes, that's it.
that has to be it.

i could never pass for a queen.

you see.
i DO love you. each and everyone of you labeled little clones.
i really do.

if only you could see.
then.
maybe...just maybe.

you would love me too.

you would see that i love you for you.
and you would love me for me.

i could be...err...nice.
yes, what a novel idea.

we could pretend to write poetry.
and pretend to be suave as we sip on our expensive starbucks coffee and tuck our jeans into our boots.
we could flash our outdoor apparel around together. we could even dress up for a nice toxic extravaganza.

we WOULD have the world on a string.
wouldn't that be terrific?

(define as you will)

you see...we really could rule the world.
but how can we rule a world that already belongs to everyone else?

and how can we know who we are not?
and how can we mistake the truth for a lie?
or a lie for the truth?

and how can you believe me?

life in extent.

2008-10-13T20:14:00.001-07:00

you give and you give.
and it's not that you expect anything in return
it's that you NEED something.
because you are left raw and empty.

may 16, 2009

2008-08-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

tomorrow, i start my senior year of highschool.
ive made it three years, so im confident i can make it one more year.
though senior year promises many stressful nights, it also promises many good times.
so maybe the good will outdo the bad. im already stressed! but what do you expect, ive always been a worrier. these days anything from, what im going to eat to where im going to college, stresses me out.

oh geez, even just talking about this is making it a little harder for me to breathe.
lets move on.

dear summer,
some would say it was a shame that you had to end on such a rainy day, but to me, the rain just helped me adjust to what is to come. as i was driving home today, i couldn't help but slide back into my old skin, and i kinda of missed it. i kept having all these memories of last year. so much went on before you came. first with michael and that big fiasco; its so hard to believe that was last year, it feels like ages ago. everything in between there seems like such a blur, i only vaguely remember meeting barrett (ugh, it sounds like my life revolves around stupid boys), it seems so much longer than 6 months. of course you, summer, have seen me grow in ways i never thought i'd grow. thank God, for people who love you for everything you are and everything you want to be. i miss you already. see you in nine months.

love,
mk

2008-06-05T20:37:00.001-07:00

i need to be safe again.

-mk

relive.

2008-03-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

well. im back. "finally", "you" say.

things are finally getting back to "normal".
kinda.

its spring. maybe thats it. spring does things to me.
its new. its fresh.
i can wake up every morning and take on the day without downing a few cups of coffee.
just breathe, right?

all this "new". is kinda overwhelming to me.
my poor little heart just can't beat fast enough.
my car doesn't drive fast enough.
my head can't ever be expected to carry all this, can it?
if it is; we're gonna have a major malfunction.

im happy now. honestly, i dont think many things could bother me right now.
except.
the inner struggle i constantly have going on.
ive held myself back from so many things, for so long. this time, i just had to let it go. but with that, did i let something else go? did i let the confidence i had in the Lord walk away too? did i forget who was holding me safe in His arms?

possibly. so with this new spring. with this new resurrection of life.
i will not let mine go again.
HE will not let mine go again.

fill me anew, Lord.

check back for updates.

con amore,
mk

sweet distraction.

2008-01-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

i should be writing an essay.

these words you speak
spoken
to the least of us
unrelenting
you break us down
you are appraiser
authority
endowed with a blessed curse
we lack.

(meh, i just re-read this and it doesn't quite flow the way i would have liked.)

advice? POSTHASTE.

-mk

function.

2008-01-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

what do i say to you today?
(better yet, who the heck are you?)

its a new year!

i know the difference between right and wrong.
and contrary to popular believe...
i usually know if whatever i may be doing at that time and point is right or wrong.
theres something missing in the equation.
time.
the time before i do whatever i may be doing.
the time, which should be used to stop, and think.
in other words-i do things in impulse.

i do not consider any other people.
i do not consider the near future. (usually ill work the distant future into the picture. and this...THIS thought process is probably not the best one for me to be having, because you see...i cannot see the future)
i only consider myself. (and that wont be the first time ive admitted to being selfish, in fact, ill just add it to the list)

dont get me wrong.
i LOVE doing things for other people.
seriously.
(not that i dont enjoy a good gift every once in a while)

if i say something.
its probably a good idea to respond.
if not, ill keep repeating it until i get a response.
not sure why i do this.

im a different girl.

im in constant competitions.
with other people.
with myself.

i run away from things so i dont have to face them.

this is me, this is how i work.

im sorry.
its hard to change.

Con Amore,
mk

rant.

2007-12-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

tomorrow. i will not be the same. today. i cannot say if i am what i was yesterday.

once again, i am stuck in a place i would rather not be in. i feel like i am being dragging in a different directions and the persistent pull comes from myself. if i could consistently focus on one thing at a time my mind would be at rest.

im tired of apologizing.
im tired of being wrong.
im tired of you, and you, and you, and you not being there.
im tired of losing.
im tired of hating.
im tired of giving up.
im tired of being second best.

there.

-mk

to start with nothing.

2007-12-11T20:39:00.000-08:00

so...over the past few weeks there has been many a time when i had the urge to blog about a current state of mind, mood, conflict, resolution, revolution...you know. but of course, i just didn't make the time to actually blog. so now, of course when i simply do not have anything i am willing to throw out there i am stuck, expecting the obvious.

currently, i am lacking in every department, EXCEPT the one that focuses completely on me.
that one is always in full swing.

ive got worries up to the ceiling.

finals.
Christmas shopping.
work.
friends.
my grandmother. (haha if only she knew how much i worry about her)
my glenda. (that is...the mother)
my danny. (that is...well, my danny)
my keith. (that is...the father)

now, i feel awful for doing this but i must go.
more to come, when the break has begun.

-mk

in this place.

2007-10-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

in a desert place.
i seek one complex face.
emotion.
inconsistent as it is.
i will not clarify.
i do not know.
oh, the choices!
i can name one.
for two become unbalanced.
lukewarm.

happiness.

2007-10-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

perhaps life would be a little easier if we could only feel one emotion at a time.
perhaps. easier; yes.
not even half as exciting im sure.

i need to be happy, right now.
lets make a list.

things that make me happy:
sunflowers.
crying with my best friend.
donuts.
waking up early.
when your ipods on shuffle and the perfect song pops up.
my horribly awful beautiful gas wasting car.
rainy days like today.
talking to homeless people.
watching people. (i know, im a creeper, right?)
buying people things for no reason.
notes from a friend.
my long lost family in hawaii, who i miss terrible, btw.
remembering things randomly and laughing (oh yes, out loud).
sleeping.
my really ugly dog, who may be the cutest thing in the world.
musicals.
sneezing.
honking at people.
sounding smart in class.
soccer.
when my mom buys me things at garage sales.
loving people.
getting my nails done.
going shopping and having money left over. (its rare, you know)
warm sheets.

and the list could go on im sure.

it may seem pointless, but it helps, let me tell you.

-mk

reflecting. forgiving.

2007-09-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

i remember "making a deal" with God.
(mistake number one)
if God was going to keep me in Arkansas over the summer then i was going to use that time to invest in peoples lives.
obviously, i didnt keep my end of the bargain.
actually, i didnt even come close.
i abandoned the only ONE who is completely consistent to me.
i abandoned my love so i could love the world.
i knowingly rejected God and went on my way.
as some of you know, things didnt work out to well.

now, im faced with the decisions i made.
i cannot take back what i did.
my reputation is skewed.
my heart is darkened.
and i can no longer shine.

i want people to see Christ in me.
i dont want to be an example.
i just want people to know that i love Jesus Christ.
people have seen me.
the way i act, the way i talk, the way i live.
and i know they dont see Him.
i dont know if people will ever see me the same way.

im ashamed.

i cant take back what i did last summer.
but today is new.
and i will continue.
i will love people.

-mk

forgive me.

after much debating.

2007-09-06T19:14:00.001-07:00

after debating with myself for a few days
i finally decided to post something i wrote.
disregarding the few people who frequently read, or stumble upon my dear blog.
truth at hand.

"Why? Why would I come here? Why would I come to a place where a few long days ago, I gave my heart away? With mixed emotions I lay what I had down on the concrete floor. Unwilling to regard my hearts lonely past. I sat. Piece by piece I let it slip between my clinched fist, unsure if this action was of great necessity but sure of the joy of the short moment. Rightfully so, there was a battle going on, for my thoughts, for my heart,...for my soul. At last! I was won. But by the rightful owner? I cannot say. I do not know. I gave my heart so eagerly a few long days ago, but was the general of my direction, the keeper of my heart, so willing, so ready to accept the large baggage my small package carried with it? Or did he not know what he had so readily accepted? Did he not know that the words that flowed; so smooth, so ballatic, so fluent; captured the prize? The prize that he may or may not have wished to obtain. Regardless, of what he wanted, he had It; my so poorly managed heart. What a shame, that I would give it so quickly without considering its current protector."

a little melodramatic. i know.
but when you receive the inspiration you have longed for, you do not reject its company.
so there it is.
truth at hand.
do not think.

-mk

summers ending soon.

2007-08-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

oh my.
this summer has been quite the summer.
quite the summer.

i regret to inform you that it was not what you think it was.
it is not how i planned it.
wonderful things happened.
awful things happened (but thats only naturally).
if i went into all the silly little details i would have you hanging on to the last of your sanity.

let me sum it up.
excuse me if i sound crazy.

friends.
i see bright new friendships.

to my girls (you know who you are): honestly, i would be lost without you. so cliche, so high school, but so true. we me fade but, right now you are the people that keep me sane. thanks for putting up with me. thanks for being crazy with me. and thanks for loving me.

to my newest companions: nice to meet you. you've only had a glimpse of what this girl can be. but i hope that you will stick around long enough to find out whats in store.

to my lost friends: it was nice while it lasted. people come into your life so easily and they can just as easily leave you. i dont know our circumstances (or, i do, i just will not point each one out) but you will be missed and ive taken a part of you with me and i hope you have a piece of me. if we were a short lived friendship, i cannot say why we grew apart but i would only hope you could take a few more moments to get to know me, the real me. if we were a long lasting relationship, i will miss you dearly. you have influenced me more than you know and ill always remember.

to my future friends: you, my friend, dont know what your getting yourself into. i would only hope you would go into our friendship open minded and free; easily adjusting to my certain inconsistencies. i easily look into peoples imperfections but i can just as easily forget them. if only you would take a few moments to forget mine, and know that tomorrow is a new day.

future.
take me where you will.

like my past posts, i cannot say where i will be in the future. over the summer it has become even more vague to me. i have gone places, i dare not go before. i have dreamed dreams, i dare not dream before. one thing is consistent to me, and i have lost that as well. i could retrieve it, but i dare not too, for i do not know where to search anymore. and if this search prevails, i do not know if i dare go where it may lead me. i could retrieve, i should retrieve it, but i am not as strong without it and i cannot go alone.

school is the future, yes. eh. i can't say im excited about that. i wont dwell on it now, so i end.
the end.

oh, i did find something out this summer.
peoples first impressions of me are...to put it quite simply...awful.
i am quite the odd one when i first meet people.
if its awkward, ill talk and talk (usually about myself) to try and cover the...um...awkwardness.
so please excuse that.
if i feel left out, ill push myself to the side and stick my head in my phone (sometimes texting, sometimes only pretending to text)
but forget all this.
my point is...
thank you, to all the people that have taken a little more time and gotten to know me.
thank you.

-mk

this works so much better.

2007-07-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

introduction.

it flows
suant, balletic
beautiful as you are
it flows
it came about
so rough, so unsettled
beautiful as you are
{beautiful as you are}
thru the bitterness
thru the endless skepticism
it flows
beautiful as you are

-mk

pen and paper.

2007-07-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

let me begin.

im not sure where to start but here we go.

im at the beach with my step-moms side of the family.
its been good.
the kids are great and we always have a lot of fun together
i just feel a little out of the box sometimes.

the beach is beautiful though.
its really hard not to come to the beach and not be a little inspired.
so i was.
i left the crew, went up and wrote.
unfortunately it didnt all come out as easily as i had planned.
what a shame.

do you ever just get tired of being yourself?
i do.
i can't seem to write anymore.
i can't seem to figure out what im supposed to be doing.
where im supposed to be going.
[i know, its easy right.
God will lead me.
honestly, at the moment, thats not the case.
or um, im not listening.
i know what i should be doing, but i continue to ignore it.
i just need this.
but THIS is just adding to all the confusion.]
why can't i just stop analyzing everything and chill.
[man, that would be fantastic.}
don't get me wrong, im okay with being me.
i just get annoyed with myself.
the way i act.
the way i carry myself.
i could point out all the things i like about myself, but i dont really know how to do that correctly.
[and when i say "correctly", i mean without sounding totally conceided and obnoxious
ill just say that for my next couseling session, psh, ha]

basically, when i get down to it, i just cant write at the moment.
im just, um, critizing myself.
its driving me crazy.
i need some inspiration.

2007-07-01T16:43:00.001-07:00

distance shows perfection
look behind my eyes
the only way to see my heart
is through these hazel diamonds
polished and refined
my memories are lost in mind
look past my perfection
see that love is blind

precious time.

2007-05-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

at the moment, i feel as if im stuck.
stuck in this one spot.
physically, i feel as if im going to be sitting in front of the computor the whole summer.
mentally, i feel as if im stuck in a mind of self-righteousness, defeat, self-pity and insignificance.
maybe, im being over dramatic. (just to warn you, i probably am, so you should take this post seriously but know that youll only understand me if you actually talk to me, and then you will only be more confused. ha. there ya go.)

ive got to be productive. ive got to do something. if i dont, im sure i will go crazy knowing that ive not completed any sort of task this summer.

i chose to stay in LR this summer because i thought i was needed here. i thought God wanted me here. now, what?

i have to admit im not as spiritually strong at the moment as i should be. if only i had the strength of a child.

maybe, when i get back, ill know what i supposed to do.
but some how, i dont think so. (not that "getting back" wont do any good)
like wise, i know its not just going to come to me like a crazy idea.
maybe i just need to live.
not the live as in "hey kid, live a little"
that kind of live seems to be the commercialized live that we are supposed to do as kids (because we'll only be young once)
thats not real. thats not reality.
ive got to make choices everyday. what i say (which never seems to be the right thing).
what i do. who im with. these also seemed to be commercialized but im not going to say that is isnt reality.
maybe i just need to breath.
take each day slowly (knowing slow isnt easy of course; of course that might as well be a lie because i cant say from expierence that life is tough, yep, ive had it pretty easy, really easy. im sorry ive taken that for granted)
if i could just stop every thought in my head for one second a day and take a deep breath, well i dont know but that'd be just fantastic.

oh the things in my head.
i COULD fill you in but of course im only going to let you see this brief summary that doesnt even cover the half of it.

okay then.
now i have to go watch lost.
and brush my teeth.

goodnight.
little ones.

10:52 [i really dont have time to do this]

2007-04-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

how long has it been?
like a flippin' month or two?

ah many many things have been going on lately.

ill start with spring break.

[juarez]
my feelings for juarez are really hard for me to express. (i dont like over using adjectives). the whole trip was an amazing expierence. i think as americans its hard for us to comprehend (sp?) the fact that there are other people in the world who worship the same God we do. different language, different customs, different environment, same loving God. Hes like one of the few things we can actually relate to. Worshiping with the people in juarez was just exciting and new and fresh. i think it opened alot of our eyes. God is omnipotent and omnipresent.
all i really wanted to do was love the people when i was there. i just going to be honest, i wasnt to excited about ministering to the people. i would have just been happy to give them some food and talk to them but when i got down there i knew how important it was that we did. Gods love is so much greater than ours. We could have never made the impact that we made without Him. im glad He was in our conversation each time we went to see another person.

since im mallory, and i worry and think entirely to much about my future it (my future) was in my thoughts alot in juarez. over the past two years ive always felt like i needed to do homeland missions. so i was really thinking about that before juarez and what kind of impact juarez would have on the decision. about two weeks before the trip i kept being reminded of discipleship and how important i think it is. i was really considering doing that for a living, just with kids in the US. i never really put the whole thing together until i got to mexico and they told us about their Discipleship Training School (DTS). so basically, right when i heard about it my heart jumped and i really had no idea what to think. dts is a 5 month program, 3 months in intense spiritual training that really stretchs you and helps you develop your relationship with God and two months on outreach. i love it when God gives me glimpses of the future. so im really excited about this. i still have a few more years before i would actually go but im just going to continue praying about it and go if God says go.

after juarez nothing else really happened.
alot of friends went to las vegas on a mission trip so i really didnt get to hang out with them at all.
it was good to just be home and to relaxe.

a while ago my mom told me i couldnt go to hawaii for the summer.
NOW she says i can go IF i get a B in algebra.
(im pretty terrible at algebra)
so ive got alot to think about.
if i go...amazing.
if i dont...no big deal.
im just trying not to get my hopes up.

im really trying not to think about my future and whats going to happen but i feel like it has always been forced upon me. i just want to breathe and live for today. it really shouldnt be one of the hardest things to do, but for me...it is. i want to enjoy just one day, stress free. no worries.

Matthew 6:24

[NIV]
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

[Message]
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

ill try to remember and update soon.
ive got alot of things to say, just not enough time.

-MK

Self.

2007-02-26T20:23:00.000-08:00

ah life.
it goes on.
when my day stops because of one little incident, everyone elses goes on.

i was in my room talking to my mom about my plans for the next summer and the rest of the year, when i asked her about hawaii. it didnt take her long to get out, "no, thats not going to happen". i asked "why?" and she just said "its not going to happen" and moved on as if she didnt just crush MY hopes. i was trying so hard to please her so i could go on this trip of a lifetime and it just went down in smokes. i was really angry, boiling inside. i wasnt in the mood to argue, though. so, i let it go.

ive got a problem. i continue telling people that it doesnt even matter if i go to hawaii or not, because either way i know God has put me in that situation for a reason. what the heck!? it obviously did matter, and the only person i was thinking of at the time was myself (this has become quite habitual over the past 16 years, ha, i wonder how that happened). i was so mad at everybody. "WHAT ABOUT ME! IVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD! WHY DOESNT ANYONE SEE THIS!"

i was ready to go to hawaii for ME time. i wanted to be alone. i wanted to grow. it was all about ME.

now i see it. this whole situation is a blessing.
yes, hawaii would have been an amazing opportunity for ME.
God has shown me the bigger picture now.
He needs me here, in Little Rock.
Sixteen years here and He chose this summer.
God has something BIG for me going here and i need to imbrace it.
This isnt about me.

God is teaching me to be selfless at the moment. I want to wake up and die to myself every morning. I dont like this selfish living.

I wish I could get my point across, but my thoughts arent recollecting at the moment. My thoughts are elsewhere, I suppose. I havent been writting much lately. I need it to come back.

Im sorry if this post was a disappointment. I am disappointed, myself.
Ill be back.

-MK

The Day of My Birth.

2007-02-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

sixteen isnt that different.
your right, birthdays are a disappointment...sometimes.

i remember when i was little the night before my birthday i would lie away in my bed, unable to sleep. i would dream of tomorrow. i would pray things would change. i suppose i had some childish dream that when i woke up, everything would be different.

last night, i found myself repeating the same tradition.
i would wake up, and last year would be behind me.
i would wake up, and suddenly, i could trust again.
i would wake up, and my family would be back together.
i would wake up, and i would be a beautiful princess.

the fact of the matter is.
i woke up, and last year was, in fact, behind me but that doesnt mean i put it there.
i woke up, and my trust is still dwindling.
i woke up, and i remembered it is all like this for a reason.

(dont get me wrong, i had a wonderful birthday and im never going to take my blessings for granted. i am blessed. blessed with more than i deserve.)

i like change.
i live for unchanging things.
what a mess i am.

the world is constantly changing around me.
people are constantly changing.
i am constantly changing.

change is good. change is new.
but i cant trust it.

heres the simplicity of it all,
i can only trust God.
He is the only unchanging thing in my life.
Hes the only one i can trust to always be there.

i should be so hard on people, they are only human.
they are sinners.
so am i.

the end.

-MK

Dream.

2007-02-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

i like dreaming.
what? you want me to share?
gladly.

my dream future. (well, the one i dream of today, it changes often, thats not so terrible, right?)

college. im not sure where i want to go to college. i do know, i want to grow and learn. i want to be surrounded by people who challenge me and love me. i want to be influenced by someone, and i want to influence.

wait.
i didnt intend for this post to be anything but me writing down MY dreams and i promise you i didnt think this through. (maybe that statement had no significance to you, but i understand what im talking about. )

hmph. this is one of those love/hate moments.
its not about MY dreams. hm. this is a very confusing subject.
let me start over.
we are told to "DREAM BIG" and "REACH FOR THE STARS". Its hard for me to imagine anything wrong with this but then i remember Gods plan. I remember that what I have in mind might not be what God wants me to do. I cant decide if im supposed to be disappointed by this statement or if im supposed to be obedient. I cant decide if im supposed to be disappointed in the fact that it seems that im not supposed to be dreaming up my future, and that that is Gods business.

my conclusion. ( I love how God sents me answers so quickly)
i could be wrong, im wrong quite often.

dont make your dreams your idols. dream, dream big. i just have to be ready and willing to go when God says "Go".

did this post make any sense?
because it was totally unexspected.

more later.

I dream of the future God has for me.
Its beautiful.

-MK

I love the way God works, but not the way I work.

2007-02-03T18:46:00.003-08:00

My sister and her husband (my brother-in-law) came into town tonight. It was a needed surprise. I miss them so much.

After picking me up at my dads house, we made a quick stop at Kroger and then made our way to my moms house. From there we got settled in and had chili and hotdogs. As my mom was cleaning up Lyndsay, Dan (Silver, btw), and Myself started talking about how we have been trying to reach each other over the internet (via searching the internet *myspace, facebook, blogger etc). It was quite frustrating but its amazing how God brings us together through the smallest things. Like I said, I have missed them and its frustrating not being able to hold a conversation or even just took a look at whats going on in there lifes.

I was planning on going to see Meg & Dia tonight, but Keith (dad) wouldnt let that happen. Meg & Dia are nothing compared to seeing your favorite sister and brother-in-law. Im exstatic and blessed to have a God send them here when I really needed them.

Now, on the other hand.
I really dont know what to think of people, I really dont know what to think of myself. I hate that someone could say something to me and then turn around and say the exact same thing to someone else. Okay, I understand, the statement could be true, me and the "someone else" could have the same character and could be alike. I dont like being a like. I like being an individual (though its hard in the world of teenagers I survive in today). But this is a totally different subject and the fact of the matter is, its not fair to my feelings to say something to me (and i totally believe that it is from their heart) and then turn around and say the exact same thing to another person (probably more).

I dont really like pointing things out in people (though i do it often) because then, of course ill over think it. Then turn the whole thing around on myself and
point the exact thing out on myself. So then Im a hypocrite, once again.

I really do think to much (more than i get credit for), and its probably not healthy.

I love the way God works but, not the way I work. So He must work through me. He is my beauty.

-MK

Little wispers
The things they tell me
Who I am
Who Im supposed to be
I blame these words
On other voices
When it is only me

The parts I play.

2007-01-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

Oh, wow. I've got a million and one things going through my head right now. I only hope I can get half of it down here.

When did I last post? I dont even remember. I wish I could pick up where I left off, but I suppose Ill just start with now.

Basketball. Ive been so amazingly emotional about basketball lately. I really dont like it, Ive always felt tears and sad emotions in sports are a sign of weakness. This may not be true, but its what I feel. Its hard, sitting on the end of the bench, when you know sometimes, you work harder than anyone else in practice. (No offense to any of you basketball readers). I really do try. I hate that I feel like I have to prove myself to my coach. The past two games I have ended the games crying in the locker room. We lost and I felt like I couldnt do anything about it because he wouldnt put me. I know Im not that good. Im one of the fastest runners, I can shoot layups, but I lack other skills. Other skills that im trying to built. Its hard when you dont get a chance to use them. I got so angry with myself during practice the other day, we were playing four on four and i shot the ball. It probably wasnt the best shot I could have taken considering we were the last place team and needed one point to tie it up. But I took it. And I regret taking it. (its funny how i regret the smallest things, sometimes) So I was already mad at myself and when your teammates get mad at you. It doesnt help. Most of the time when im mad, im more mad at myself than anybody else. Okay, end of basketball rant.

Goodnews. Im going to juareze with the school the week before spring break, im really excited about what God is going to do down there, as well as in my life as im down there (I hate to be selfish, but we all know how God works). I also talked about hawaii with my dad, hes all for it. So when my sisters comes in Febuary they are going to talk. Praise God.

God has been doing some amazing things. I was broken, I AM broken. And now Hes healing me. I need this. I need Him. Our relationship still isnt the way I dream of it being. The way I want it to be. But its growing. Im growing.

I wish people understood me. No, I wish people took the time to understand me. I really dont like this whole highschool play most of us are in right now. I dont like feeling like I have to "play" the "part". I do though, I play the part. It seems impossible to me the REAL me in a room full of actors. Its like when I was a little girl, I would go to a baseball game and from the time the game started till the next day, all I wanted to be was a baseball player. ( is that even a good analogy?) Im tired of judging people, and im tried of being judged. When im at school, I act the way I act for a reason. Things have happened and I am the way I am before of that. I hate that people would judge me so quickly, I hate it that someone would choose to not like me simply because they dont like the way I act sometimes. I mess up. I dont like the person I am sometimes. If only I could be who I really am, all the time. If only I could be who God wants me to be. There is more to me than the person you see on the outside. I wish everyone would take some time to see that person too.

I would love to share the story God has written for me so far.
But I cant let people in that easily. I dont want them to know my secrets.
I wish I could explain why I am, the way I am.

I am a sinner. Gods grace saved me and now I can live. Live the story. I can live without regret because I am forgiven. There is nothing good in me, apart from Christ. I am His.

life has been crazy, as you can see, my only prayer right now, is that Im doing what God wants me to do. Its hard to know im going to mess up. Its hard to know it wont be easy. I rejoice in the fact that He wont leave me.

To the Unfinished Story

-MK

Back and forth
Back and forth
Branch of life
Jump which way
Fallen Child
Replaced by Promise
Scared to fall
Scared to jump

Capture me
Lead my wait
My only Gravity
Promise blessed
Make it true
No bruises
No baggage
Scared to fall
Scared to jump

now i feel like a hypocrite.

2007-01-04T20:35:00.000-08:00

im finally back.

life has um, been interesting. to say the least.

1.Christmas
2.Break
3.Back to School.

Christmas was really fun. I wish i was still young. I wish i could still stay up all night, hoping to hear santa on the roof. I wish the first thought that came to my head before i opened my presents was the simple prayer i said every Christmas " Dear Jesus, Thank you so much for this day, thank you for coming to save me. Amen", thats how it used to be. I pray for the old times.

Break. I went to dallas the first week of break, that was really fun. Just hanging out with my cousins and shopping. Then went back home for Christmas, then the next week we had a tournament. That wasnt so exciting. But im glad we played in it.

Im so thankful for the people in my life. Whether they want to be or not. I love them. Thats all i want/need to do. Love them.

School started back. That wasnt so fun. Wow. Things happened. Now ive just got to let them blow over. I want things back to normal. It was better that way.

"We had some random things happen to us; some good, some bad, some u can't explain, some u dont want to, but one thing we did learn for sure...when God throws a curveball...dont duck...u just might miss something."

Ive got some apologizing to do. For whoever read my rant about girls. Im sorry im a hypocrite. Im sorry i have the exact same self-esteem issues, maybe more.

like i said, ive got good people in my life. people that are friend enough to sit me down, and tell me the truth. im glad for that. im very blessed.

ive got some more growing to do. i always thought i was so "grown up", man, i was a fool. im excited for the new start though. im excited to grow. im excited to get real with myself and real with God. its the only way.

im still praying about hawaii, prayers are needed.

not much here. i jumped around alot. i just wanted to get things out there.

ill be back.

mk

where You lead, i will follow.

2006-12-18T23:40:00.000-08:00

hm where to begin. i might as well start like i always do. with nothing imparticular to talk about and see where i go from there.

finals are over. i could have done better, i should have done better. sometimes all that stress gets to me and im just like, whatever i just want this over with.

im at a frustrating point in my relationship with Christ these days. i know how it should be (my walk), i know how i want it to be, i know how it used to be...but im just to lazy to do anything about it. im such a frustrating person.

hawaii vs. home. the subject of so many of my conversations lately. i talked to mom (or tryed too) about hawaii and she wasnt to thrilled. she kept coming up with excuses..." you have to work here", "i dont have the money", "they arent gonna be able to just babysit you while your there"...
its so very frustrating. right now, i think im just gonna have to trust God and know that whatever happens, happens and itll all work out.

im so ready for a very long vacation.

im leaving for dallas tomorrow. im not sure how all thats gonna go. i have a crazy family (step-family) and my dads not gonna be there. its really annoying sometimes.
it will be alright though, i know it will.

things are getting complicated again. i think i just need to take it easy and try not to worry so much. im such a silly girl sometimes. things will work out. even if its not the way i want it too.

i still need to work on somethings in my life. im just gonna try to take it day by day.

-MK

sorry this wasnt very exciting. its 2 am. give me a break. ill be back soon.

what am i doing here?

2006-11-29T21:05:00.000-08:00

ooo goodness. life.
i cant say i have anything to ramble about. but im sure it will come to me after i start, like it always does.

thanksgiving break is over. it was great. i just sat around, hung out with people, and crud. im so excited about Christmas break. its just around the corner. we just have to get past these finals and junk.

ive been ignoring this for so long. its frustrating when you keep pushing away from Him (not necessarily on purpose) but He keeps trying to draw you closer. its like a constant struggle between God and self. i want so badly to be close to Him again, it was a beautiful time. its a shame im so selfish i cant make any effort. here i am...just sitting around. hoping tomorrow will go better than the today. i have no idea why i do this. i mean is it a struggle for everybody?

ill get back to You.

this world is not my home. and frankly im kinda getting tired of it.
i guess i should make the best of it right. im only here for a short time.

its so confusing. this isnt our home, but we are put here to spread Gods word and His love. its like we are in a foreign land i guess. its a shame we have become accoustom (sp?) to this world. we have conformed to it. i have.

im just like everyother 15-16 year old girl...

ill post more later. bed time.

-mk

This ones for the girls.

2006-11-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

this is to all you girls
(and guys, cause you might need to hear this)

okay. so i was look at a girls page..and it had a picture of her...except...scratched out the eyes...with "FUGLY" (dumbest word on the planet) written on her forhead, "ugly nose", "ugly", "I WISH I WERE AS PRETTY AS MY SISTER"

what are we doing to our self girls?
we are beautiful girls, created in the image of God. we could grow up to be WOMEN of God. and this is what we do to ourselfs? seriously. it makes me mad. take some pride in yourself! take some pride in becoming the future leading women of God! its a shame we would put ourselfs down like this. yes, i know you have self esteem problems, please dont think your the only one, we all do. but seriously. come on.

we all want a guy. you know, THAT guy, the guy who holds you, and wipes away your tears, the guy the world has made out to be perfect. the one floating around the interenet in words, only because they cant find a guy like that. guys will be guys. and they will love you. but do you think THAT guy will want to be with a girl, who has no self confidence (which i know is a hard thing to have sometimes).

stand up for yourself. a guy(rude) calls you ugly, fat, idiot...etc. what are you gonna do? yell at his face? go home and cry? throw it away. you know what, they arent good enough for you (sorry guys) you deserve to be treated like a princess. embrace who God created you to be. embrace His love for you. embrace Him in you.
im not saying, riot guys. they are great. seriously, duh. im not some womans right activist. i just want us girls to believe in ourselfs.

stop being so critical of yourselfs (trust me i am), stop being so critical of others! how do you think we got this way? we just thought it up in our minds. no...we take what people say, and we apply it. we have to be THAT girl. the one guys want. the one girls want to be. we lower ourselfs, the way we act, the way we dress, the way we talk, the way we live. we lower ourselfs to be THAT girl.

Love God.
Love People.
Embrace who He made you to be.
That guy will come. Dont worry. Until then, try (key word) to be content in the Lord, its one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. But i know we can.
That guy will come.

********************************************************************************

After years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose me?" It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerable God is on this point. "You will find me," says the Lords, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13). In other words, "Look for me, pursue me-I want you to pursue me" Amazing. As Tozer says, "God waits to be wanted." -John Eldredge

"Be beautiful inside your heart's with the lasting charm of a gentle & quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."
-1 Peter 3:4

"Wait for the man who pursues you... the kind of man who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better woman. Wait for the man who will be your best friend...Wait for the man who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile... Wait for the man who praises God for you, and encourages you daily in your walk, and most importantly, wait for the man who is more in love with God than you."

"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to seek Him to find her."

*************************************************************************************

ooo man. i rambled. on and on. sorry if that didnt make any sense at all.

im not that girl. i just want to be. i want us to be.

i basically got all that junk from a few good books, and alot of talks with my girls.haha and it just wanted to let it all get out there.

some of this may be relevant to you. and some of it may not. idk. but thanks for reading.

-mk

Where are you leading me, Lord?

2006-11-12T20:19:00.000-08:00

oo the things we do.

i have the greatest friends ever. you have no idea.

i dont have anything exciting to blog about so i guess ill just fill ya in on the weekend...and see where it goes from there. except starting thursday night.

thursday night-so i was with my dad this week. except he had some buisness meeting so my mom had to pick me up from school. and she was supposed to take me home. but i didnt know that...so i called my dad and told him to pick me up. and immediatly when i got in the car...he starts going on about how this wasnt the plan, and how my mom was supposed to bring me home...blah blah blah...and how my mom is taking advantage of him. it made so mad. he yells at me the whole way home, makes me cry (once again) telling me how bad a mother my mom is. etc. all i could do was ask him why he was telling me this. i mean does he want me to feel bad. i didnt want to talk about this. he was like " i just dont want you to grow up and be as malipulative as your mother"...so basically i just walked to my room, shut the door. and wouldnt let him come in. please, does any body understand how im supposed to honor my father and mother in this situation? i know its possible, it just doesnt seem right.

friday night-went to cerwins...then to purple cow with some of the group (cara, brooke, hannah, michael, mark, karah and alyssa, john mark)...then to b&n. thats was exciting. surprised all around. lol. um i found a guy that looks like the younger house. i was excited. then we all went back to caras...me and hannah went swinging...while everyone sat around..then we went in to watch gladiator with everyone. um...then me and brooke went to hannahs...and all we did was talk. basically some of my favorite girls ever.

saturday-went home. got ready. and headed to the razorback game. i was with my mom and "her danny" so it could have been more exciting but o well. it was a great game. um...we drove home. well they did...i slept. and texted and listened to music. interesting right?

sunday-bahahaha. its been a funny day. first went to church. then came home, i found a cat. i named her mauriece. but then i found out it was my neighbors and had to give it back. um. my camera is dead. its quit tragic...me without my camera is like caesar without mark antony.

im so ready for this break. ive been blessed to have the amazing people around me, who help me live life to the fullest.

God is present, always. Of course He is...i just need to agnolige His presence.

Life is soo crazy right now. Nothing really stressful going on, just alot of random things. unexspected things. not all bad, not all good.

i guess they weigh each other out, so im not really worryed. maybe i should be.

i dont know what im gonna do about my parents.
prayers please.

-MK

How many days in a year?

2006-11-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

i tryed to update. but my head is in a thousand different places tonight.
and im not exaclty sure, its supposed to be in those places.

im not exaclty sure about anything at the moment.

prayers please.

all i know is.

"He will never leave me, nor forsake me"
thats all i can lean on right now.

-MK

My heart hurts tonight.

2006-10-29T17:57:00.000-08:00

you know that sick feeling you have in your gut when your heart hurts?
i do. its not the first time either.

by the way...i knew one of those blogs would come up one day, your dumb if you didnt think the same. im a girl. get over it.

im tired of waiting. some days its okay, i guess today wasnt one of those days.
knowing that almost every one of my best girl friends has a boyfriend...or are talking to a guy. its really hard and frustrating knowing that.

im tired of waiting for that guy to come around. God gives me comfort, yes. " Be patient. You will be honored by Me, in my good timing. I will never leave you nor forsake you " Its amazing to know, i will be honored by Him, the King of the universe. all i have to do is humble myself.

its just really hard tonight.

really.

con amore,
mk

Oh Dear.

2006-10-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

its been a long time, once again.

life has been good, ive been stressed though.
but still, God is good, so my days have just been happier.
theres beauty in everything these days, in everyone.

last weekend.

friday-hung out at home. pretty boring. but its was good just to relax

saturday-woke up early, went golfing (with adam, alex, luke, davis, brooke, and jessica), then me and brooke came home, got all dolled up, then went to eat and a to hannahs play. it was amazing. inspiring. i wish i wouldnt have quit dance, in kindergarten.

sunday-me and brooke woke up, and went to church. then came back home, chilled and ate. then we took brooke home. so i came home, and slept. lol.

im so ready for school to be out. well at least Christmas. its not that far away. i can already feel it. cold on the outside, but safe and warm on the inside.

God is good to me, to good. He excepts what i do, even when its not my best. Ive been reading my Bible every night...doing the whole devotional thing. But im still not as close to Him as i could be. in the past, i have been so much closer, i could feel the Holy Spirit. i knew He was there. im not saying He isnt there right now, i just havent been open enough. i havent been talking and listening to God. its basic sunday school, remember, how do we get to know our friends?...by talking to them, and spending time with them. so i guess thats all i need to do. its just like, the difference between knowing Gods word, knowing who He is, and knowing Him personally.
i miss that personal level. that comfort.

My attitude is terrible. Not towards everything. Me and my parents are happy, im just trying to please them, and make them happy. My friends and I are good. Im lucky they put up with me, and my sarcasim, rudeness, and bluntness. Im blessed. I still need to show Christ loves though. I want to so badly. Sometimes its just a matter of me thinking before i speak. I just need to be nice! Its hard. My friendships are growing, and like i said, im blessed to have people in my life that support me, like my friends do.

I still dont know about Hawaii. I was leaning towards hawaii, but now im leaning towards staying. I dont want to miss these people. I dont want to miss my first summer driving. I dont want life to keep going here without me. Or maybe i do. Hawaii would be amazing. I dont want to let an opportunity like this go by. Im still praying about it. Still.

Con Amore,
MK

Long Time.

2006-10-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

mhm. its been a while. quick update...

school.
my grades arent so good. people arent so good. i mean, there tollerable. and i should be more thankful. its just hard to explain. i mean im not there to judge them so i cant really say much. the affects some people have on me, are not exceptable.

parents.
my parents are amazing parents. and i love them to death. its just. we dissaggree. im a pretty indepentent girl, except when i need money from them and stuff. i like to make my own choices. i guess if they're giving me money, i need to obey them. its really confusing.

good news.
my sister called last week. im pretty sure she had just talked to my mom. and my mom brought up how we disaggree and fight. so lynds called to try and help. anyways, so her and dan have talked. and they want me to spend the summer in hawaii with them! i want to go so bad. so im trying to be on my best behavior. im having to make alot of sacrifes though. im missing out on...beach trip, mission trips, friends, first summer driving. but hawaii would be an expierence of a life time, it could be my only chance, ill get to be in a strong christian home, i can learn to appreciat my friends, God can do amazing things for me down there! but he could also do amazing things for me here. so im confused. and praying.

God.
Hes making amazing changes in my life and im really excited. im so blessed. i have amazing parents. who love me and would give anything to make me happy. and i neglect that sometimes. im learning to love people. and find the good in them. its really fun actually. getting to know more people. im still pretty sarcastic, but i just need to work on that i guess. Im learning alot. and im excited for this year.

so thats whats been going on.

im happy.
God is filling my life with joy.
Christ is my joy and hope.

-MK

ps. FALL IS FINALLY HERE! and i love it!

Bad Day.

2006-10-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

obvioulsy, today hasnt been the greatest day. if i wasnt such a jealous person, i think things would go alot smoother. if i didnt crave attention (like every other teenage girl), i think things would go alot smoother. i just wanted a smile, i just wanted someone to want to actually talk to me. yes, i know its bad that i think i need these things to feel good about myself. i know i dont.

my feelings have just been hurt lately. why cant i be a priority in someones life? i mean, i get all pumped up to go to a friends house, and then they say i cant because there boyfriend is over. then i just try to hold a conversation with someone, and they walk away to go flirt with a boy. i get all excited to go to a game with someone, but i cant, because they decided another person would be more fun. it just hurts me.

i know, God says " I will never leave you ,nor forsake you"

but what am i supposed to do, walk around bymyself, and read my Bible. i cant do anything about people not wanting to be around me, or i guess, me not being important enough for them. i cant do anything.

i guess thats there problem. God made me. Im significant. He has an amazing plan for me, and if these people dont want to be included in it. Thats there dicision to make.

Lose it all inside.

2006-09-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

Life goes on right?

I love it when you've been living in a sin, you just cant seem to get away from, and then God suddenly takes it away. I love it. I hate it, today. I left my sin, I lost a friend. Now im totally bitter about it all. I dont want the sin back. I just want my friend back.

i never could, be any other way
shot down, farther everyday
and sometimes...
i lose it all inside
i lose it all inside
i never could be any other way
shot down, farther everyday
and sometimes...
i lose it all inside
tell me one good reason
tell me what i should do
i should do

I guess God takes things out of our life, so He can bless us with more amazing things.

Schools be so draining.
I cut my foot at mudbowl, so now i cant walk.

Changes.

2006-09-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

I see God changing me everday lately.
With changes, come trouble.

Im thinking, just maybe, Gods telling me to do something big!
Basketball. Big time thing for me, right? Im not sure if the feelings im having are me, just being tired of it all, or God pulling on my heart. I take something from my life, and He replaces it with something new. I would miss it once if i quite, but at the same time im excited for the changes God could be making in my life, He could open up alot of opportunitys (sp?) for me.

Im so confused.

I just need to pray about this.

Maybe...

2006-09-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like, that maybe, just maybe your parents arent right?
Maybe its not really your fault.

I do. I always think, maybe since my mom (and dad) arent really living for God, at the moment (or maybe the past 15 1/2 years or so), maybe they are wrong. Yes I know, I am supposed to obey and respect my parents, which i try to do. But I always think of the, unless its not glorifying God part. I just wish they had that spiritual guidance that I have, I wish they descisions they make for me, are what God wants, not what they want. I cant help but wonder. and wish.

I still want the family.

Mkay, now on to this weekend.

Friday-went to the lrc game with alex, and met hannah there, along with karah and alyssa. it was soo fun. meeting all the new kids and stuff. big fun. way more fun than an AB game. then we went to hannahs (me, alex, k and a, and cara elizabeth)

Saturday-hung out at hannahs. went to my mothers house. at 7 met everyone at java (cord,karah, cara, austin, alex, jm, alyssa, mark, michael, hannah, and me) then we went to hannahs and played capture the flag for two hours. then we went in, and just hung out for a while.

o how i have missed weekends like these.

i havent had that much fun, in a long time.

ill be back.

-MK

Wednesday...

2006-09-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

o the small things.

finally. a little free time pushed for time, but relaxing all the same. school, basketball, moms, church, dads, moms. wow weird schedule.

ive been so tired this week. emotional, physically, spiritual. im just kinda in one of those "i dont really care" moods. lifes been busy.

kyle talked at church today (because the third baby nicolson arrived), kyle was amazing, he really kept me listening. something that really stuck out to me..." God doesnt want anymore 'leaders' He wants us to live. " i remember always telling my close friends how we need to step up and lead, because our grade is lacking "leadership" , now all i think is, what a bunch of bull, thats what the teachers are for. i always wanted to be the girl that "set the example" you know how it is. now i know, i dont need to set an example, i need to live me life for Christ, not for my glory, not so i cant be "the girl" but so he can be MY GOD.

kyle makes it sound so easy, though, living for Christ. its not easy, not at all. i guess we have huge things to live up too, right?, i mean JESUS CHRIST, thats who we are striving to be like, right? its hard. i still feel like a nobody. i dont know what people see in me. i want them to see Christ, but once again, unfortunately, i dont find this true.

Romans 4:16
This is why the fulfillment of Gods promise depends entirely one trusting God and his way, and then smple embracing Him and what He does. God's promise arrives as pure gift...

life hasnt been so simple.

i dont know what to do. its been getting really frustrating going back and forth from moms to dads each week. maybe it will be easier when i can drive. dad still wants me to stay with him full time, because my mom is a "bad mother", and mom still wants me to stay with her full time, because its easier on me and her.

grades are dropping.

God feels distant. but its only me.

-MK

Another weekend...

2006-09-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

it was dv8 weekend, and i got to spend 2 days with some wonderful girls.

God did some amazing things with these girls lifes.
i didnt get what i exspected out of dv8, dont get me wrong, it was amazing and God showed himself to me in amazing ways. i guess i just exspected another HUGE thing to happen, but maybe instead of a HUGE thing, a small thing happened that will have a HUGE lasting impact.

Anyways, God just taught me how to love and be thoughtful and caring. Now im not saying im just totally changed and im the nicest person on earth, im just saying God brought it to my attention that i dont think before i speak, and my words can be heartful. ive only got one life to live with these people, only one life to make a difference. how am i supposed to make a difference if i cant even say something nice. this probably seems to be such an easy thing, being nice, but i guess for me its not. im a bold and blunt person. if i think something, ill usually say it. i just need to be careful and pray God will help me to hold my tongue. ive always wanted to set an example and have Gods love radiate off of me so people could say "thats mallory, she loves the Lord with her whole heart", but right now, over these past 15 years, i dont believe that has been true. ive wasted these years, so i guess i better start now.

life is full of its imperfections, and so am i. i just need to strive to be like Christ. He lives within me, how hard could it be,right? Wrong, its one of the hardest things, I have ever attempted.

So maybe, once i think about it, dv8 wasnt that bad, i could have gotten closer to God than i did, but its just a stepping stone. Every day counts.

Romans 2
1-2 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.
3-4You didn't think, did you, that just by pointing your finger at others you would distract God from seeing all your misdoings and from coming down on you hard? Or did you think that because he's such a nice God, he'd let you off the hook? Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he's not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.

now...if only we could get rid of these distractions.

-MK

I dont know where this is going...

2006-09-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

hmm.
music makes me happy.

interesting stuff has happened the past few days.

tuesday-got home. dad was in a bad mood. asked him to take me to my moms to get stuff from her house, so we went. in the car, basically, just got yelled at about what a bad mother i have. i was soo upset. i love my dad, and i love my mom. dont make me choose. my dad wants me to stay with him full time. its not fair. "lifes not fair" i pray i give my kids the family i never had a chance to have.

wednesday-school. basketball. then lindsey bland picked me,alex, and cara up to go hang out with her. shes amazing. then church. amazing, as well. i havent been doing my devos lately. its not a good thing. life could be better, if only. i want it to be easy. but He never said it would be easy, just that He would always be there helping us along.

currently. i want to drive. anywhere...across the parking lot, across the street, across the city, across the state, across the country. anywhere. as long as the musics loud and the windows are down.

why cant life be as simple as music?

dear God,
im still here. dont worry. ive been gone way to long. hold me closer.
-MK

The Lies We Tell

2006-09-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

school today.
oh the insanity.

school isnt the same. friends arent the same.
school is harder. friends are harder.

im finding it hard to trust these days. rarely do i find a friend i can put all my trust in, and if i do find a friend, i then must find someone who cares enough to listen. friends will go on and on about this and that, and i still find it hard to believe, so i listen, but they dont know i dont trust them. they dont know that i seem to be finding a lie in everything they say. i guess thats bad. right? i shouldnt be critquing (sp?) people. i love them to death, but come on, grow up. tell me the truth. the hard, raw truth. i dont care if it hurts, but dont lie to me. i wont lie to you, and you know that. yeah , i may seem harsh and mean, but seriously, think about it wouldnt you rather know the truth even if it hurts than a sugar coated lie?

if you tell me the truth, then you have my respect. i dont know what i "earn" from telling the truth, probably just a bad name, "big mouth" "rude" etc., but at least i know i told the truth. yes, people have feeling. yes, i have feelings. i guess i need to work on that. i seem to get so upset about my feelings but take into no consideration other peoples feelings.

God,
Help me to think before i speak. Help me to hold my tongue. You gave me two ears and one mouth. So help me to let You do the judging and let my stay silent.
-Amen

Last Year

2006-09-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

I kissed my dreams goodbye.

Here I go again.

Last year. I dont know why I keep bringing this up. I guess im still learning from it, or maybe im still regretting it.

I was a depressed/confused girl last year. I dreamed so much. I dreamed, but it wasnt good for me. I dont want to get into details, but I wanted something soo bad that I placed it before God. I lost faith for a while. And the thing is, I knew it wasnt there, and I tryed to get it back, I tryed. But I couldnt fight through my desire. I had to learn that the only way I was going to get through this, was to give it, completely to God. So thats what I did, one night, while I was on the beach, I just let it go. Ive always heard "just give it to God" but Ive never fully had to do that before, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The desire I had had taken over my life completely, so basically, I just had to start over. Its still something I struggle with everyday ,and unfortunately Ive walked away from God lately so the stuggle is getting harder. Hes still there though, waiting for me. I think Ill go back. Hes been missing me and Ive been missing Him.

A close friend of mine, recently brought up the fact, that something is missing from me that I had last year. I know what it is now. I lost a dream. And its right at my fingers tips but God is holding me.

FACE THE DAY

2006-09-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

hm.i guess we'll see how this goes.
i didnt want a xanga/myspace/etc. if your geniouly interested in my puzzled life then you take the time to type in my address.

I made this not because I wanted everyone to know about my personal life, but because i wanted to know about my personal life. It's just a place for me to reflect and grow. Yes, I have a journal, but its hard to sit down and write, so I save that for my dreams and small thoughts.

Now. Notice the word "puzzled". To sum it up, thats exactly what my life is, puzzled. Its amazing how God fits all the pieces together. In another sense, its amazing how puzzled I am through this life of mine. So that leads us to my blog name, "FACE THE DAY", my moto for the years ahead. I dont know whats going to happen tomorrow, so all I can do is " face the day" and know God is by my side.