at the moment, i feel as if im stuck.
stuck in this one spot.
physically, i feel as if im going to be sitting in front of the computor the whole summer.
mentally, i feel as if im stuck in a mind of self-righteousness, defeat, self-pity and insignificance.
maybe, im being over dramatic. (just to warn you, i probably am, so you should take this post seriously but know that youll only understand me if you actually talk to me, and then you will only be more confused. ha. there ya go.)

ive got to be productive. ive got to do something. if i dont, im sure i will go crazy knowing that ive not completed any sort of task this summer.

i chose to stay in LR this summer because i thought i was needed here. i thought God wanted me here. now, what?

i have to admit im not as spiritually strong at the moment as i should be. if only i had the strength of a child.

maybe, when i get back, ill know what i supposed to do.
but some how, i dont think so. (not that "getting back" wont do any good)
like wise, i know its not just going to come to me like a crazy idea.
maybe i just need to live.
not the live as in "hey kid, live a little"
that kind of live seems to be the commercialized live that we are supposed to do as kids (because we'll only be young once)
thats not real. thats not reality.
ive got to make choices everyday. what i say (which never seems to be the right thing).
what i do. who im with. these also seemed to be commercialized but im not going to say that is isnt reality.
maybe i just need to breath.
take each day slowly (knowing slow isnt easy of course; of course that might as well be a lie because i cant say from expierence that life is tough, yep, ive had it pretty easy, really easy. im sorry ive taken that for granted)
if i could just stop every thought in my head for one second a day and take a deep breath, well i dont know but that'd be just fantastic.

oh the things in my head.
i COULD fill you in but of course im only going to let you see this brief summary that doesnt even cover the half of it.

okay then.
now i have to go watch lost.
and brush my teeth.

goodnight.
little ones.