ah life.
it goes on.
when my day stops because of one little incident, everyone elses goes on.

i was in my room talking to my mom about my plans for the next summer and the rest of the year, when i asked her about hawaii. it didnt take her long to get out, "no, thats not going to happen". i asked "why?" and she just said "its not going to happen" and moved on as if she didnt just crush MY hopes. i was trying so hard to please her so i could go on this trip of a lifetime and it just went down in smokes. i was really angry, boiling inside. i wasnt in the mood to argue, though. so, i let it go.

ive got a problem. i continue telling people that it doesnt even matter if i go to hawaii or not, because either way i know God has put me in that situation for a reason. what the heck!? it obviously did matter, and the only person i was thinking of at the time was myself (this has become quite habitual over the past 16 years, ha, i wonder how that happened). i was so mad at everybody. "WHAT ABOUT ME! IVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD! WHY DOESNT ANYONE SEE THIS!"

i was ready to go to hawaii for ME time. i wanted to be alone. i wanted to grow. it was all about ME.

now i see it. this whole situation is a blessing.
yes, hawaii would have been an amazing opportunity for ME.
God has shown me the bigger picture now.
He needs me here, in Little Rock.
Sixteen years here and He chose this summer.
God has something BIG for me going here and i need to imbrace it.
This isnt about me.

God is teaching me to be selfless at the moment. I want to wake up and die to myself every morning. I dont like this selfish living.

I wish I could get my point across, but my thoughts arent recollecting at the moment. My thoughts are elsewhere, I suppose. I havent been writting much lately. I need it to come back.

Im sorry if this post was a disappointment. I am disappointed, myself.
Ill be back.

-MK