Oh, wow. I've got a million and one things going through my head right now. I only hope I can get half of it down here.

When did I last post? I dont even remember. I wish I could pick up where I left off, but I suppose Ill just start with now.

Basketball. Ive been so amazingly emotional about basketball lately. I really dont like it, Ive always felt tears and sad emotions in sports are a sign of weakness. This may not be true, but its what I feel. Its hard, sitting on the end of the bench, when you know sometimes, you work harder than anyone else in practice. (No offense to any of you basketball readers). I really do try. I hate that I feel like I have to prove myself to my coach. The past two games I have ended the games crying in the locker room. We lost and I felt like I couldnt do anything about it because he wouldnt put me. I know Im not that good. Im one of the fastest runners, I can shoot layups, but I lack other skills. Other skills that im trying to built. Its hard when you dont get a chance to use them. I got so angry with myself during practice the other day, we were playing four on four and i shot the ball. It probably wasnt the best shot I could have taken considering we were the last place team and needed one point to tie it up. But I took it. And I regret taking it. (its funny how i regret the smallest things, sometimes) So I was already mad at myself and when your teammates get mad at you. It doesnt help. Most of the time when im mad, im more mad at myself than anybody else. Okay, end of basketball rant.

Goodnews. Im going to juareze with the school the week before spring break, im really excited about what God is going to do down there, as well as in my life as im down there (I hate to be selfish, but we all know how God works). I also talked about hawaii with my dad, hes all for it. So when my sisters comes in Febuary they are going to talk. Praise God.

God has been doing some amazing things. I was broken, I AM broken. And now Hes healing me. I need this. I need Him. Our relationship still isnt the way I dream of it being. The way I want it to be. But its growing. Im growing.

I wish people understood me. No, I wish people took the time to understand me. I really dont like this whole highschool play most of us are in right now. I dont like feeling like I have to "play" the "part". I do though, I play the part. It seems impossible to me the REAL me in a room full of actors. Its like when I was a little girl, I would go to a baseball game and from the time the game started till the next day, all I wanted to be was a baseball player. ( is that even a good analogy?) Im tired of judging people, and im tried of being judged. When im at school, I act the way I act for a reason. Things have happened and I am the way I am before of that. I hate that people would judge me so quickly, I hate it that someone would choose to not like me simply because they dont like the way I act sometimes. I mess up. I dont like the person I am sometimes. If only I could be who I really am, all the time. If only I could be who God wants me to be. There is more to me than the person you see on the outside. I wish everyone would take some time to see that person too.

I would love to share the story God has written for me so far.
But I cant let people in that easily. I dont want them to know my secrets.
I wish I could explain why I am, the way I am.

I am a sinner. Gods grace saved me and now I can live. Live the story. I can live without regret because I am forgiven. There is nothing good in me, apart from Christ. I am His.

life has been crazy, as you can see, my only prayer right now, is that Im doing what God wants me to do. Its hard to know im going to mess up. Its hard to know it wont be easy. I rejoice in the fact that He wont leave me.

To the Unfinished Story

-MK


Back and forth
Back and forth
Branch of life
Jump which way
Fallen Child
Replaced by Promise
Scared to fall
Scared to jump

Capture me
Lead my wait
My only Gravity
Promise blessed
Make it true
No bruises
No baggage
Scared to fall
Scared to jump